remember when we found misery.

jenny vs michael

2008-03-07T23:34:13Z

1. Who eats more?
Michael.

2. Who said "I love you" first?
Michael did :) but i didn't say it back. :(

3. How long have you been together?:
march 11 2007

4. Who sings better?
me haha

5. Who's older?:
michael

6. Who's smarter?
me duh

7. Who's temper is worse?
well i get emotional. he gets moody
so i'll say his haha

8. Who does the laundry?
he probably does laundry more than i do

9. Who does the dishes?
michael hahahaha

10. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed?
the right side (a) when we're in it, or (b) when you're looking at it?
uh? idk

11. Who snores?
michael does a cute little sigh noise :)

12. Who's hair is longer?
mine!

13. Who's better with the computer?:
me! michael sucks with the computer lol

14. Do you have pets?:
not yet

15. Who pays the bills?
michaels the one who works

16. Who cooks dinner?
i cook the spaghetti

17. Who drives when you are together?
michael

18. Who pays when you go out to dinner?
most of the time michael

19. Who is the most stubborn?:
probably both of us

20. Who is the first one to admit when they're wrong?
we're the same on that one.

21. Who's parents do you see more?
i see his parents more.

22. Who named your pet(s)?
sfasdf

23. Who kissed who first?
WELL... we were hugging goodbye and it just sort of happened.

24. Who asked who out?
hahaha... him. cause i don't ask boys out. and it took him a while to do it... so when we were in wal mart parkinglot i was like "sooo now would be a good time to ask me outtt..."

26. Who's more sensitive?
me me me me

27. Who's taller?:
michael

29. Who has more siblings?
me

30. Who wears the pants in the relationship?
Michael!

Now repost as You Vs Your significant other.... It's kinda fun to think about it and reminisce

here it goes agaaaaaain

2008-03-07T23:24:11Z

1. Do you think people have any misconceptions about you??
Yeah definitely. I know they do.

2. Do you own shoes that cost more than $100?
no

3. Who was your last text message from?
Mister Cori Shelly :)

4. What show did you last watch?
The Simpsons

5. Do you wear Hollister?
eh not really... no. nothing against it.. just too expensive

6. What is the name of the last person you REALLY made out with?
I don't think I know how to make out

7. do you get shy around the girl you like?
not really

8. do you remember what you were doing a year ago today?
my first day of school at northridge...

12. where are most people in your top friends from?
they're all from different areas. kelsy is new york. michael is indiana. gelly is indiana. and kelly is portland. i guess indiana haha

16. do you give special ringtones to certain people?
just michael

17. what's the weather like outside?
it just got a little sunshiney :)

18. have you ever seen a 3d movie in theaters?
Yes

19. what is your favorite holiday?
Senior Skip Day?

21. do you text with t9 or abc?
t9

22. have you memorized your social security number?
its in my phone lol

23. have you ever had a dream about people you love dying?
yeah. quite a bit.

25. what was the last advice you gave someone?
uh... something to melissa.

28. why are you doing this instead of something else?
cause i worked my ass off today and i need to relax.

29. are you on youtube?
no

31. what's the last food you ate that had salt on it?
dude i LOVE salt

32. what are you watching?
nothing

33. what did you do yesterday?
slept in on accident

34. would you ever consider having a relationship with a good friend?
no relationships right now please

35. what piercings do you want to get?
monroe

36. have you ever seen your friend cry?
no. all my friends are robots.

37. who was the last person you cried in front of?
i can't even remember, i hate letting people see me cry.

38. can you do a push-up?
nooohohoho

39. have you ever had a panic attack?
yes

40. name the last time you played beer pong?
never. I already told you I dont wear Hollister...

41. would you ever consider moving back to your hometown?
Lake Oswego hometown or Camas hometown? Cause I think I like Camas better. But if I could move into my old house in LO I totally would.

42. describe your laugh?
i don't want to, i hate my laugh

43. what do you think about the person that last commented you?
gretel is fantastic.

44. who sings the song you last sang?
johnny cash... i guess the highwaymen. but it's johnny. haha

45. plans for this weekend?
HOMEWORK, RECORDING MY SONG, CLEANING... blah blah blah

46. how was last weekend?
i watched rainbow brite, that was pretty fantastic

47. have you ever been to california?
born there

48. what are you listening to right now?
the highwaymen

49. when was the last time you drank?
last weekend

50. do you like anyone right now?
i keep to myself :)

h0neybee311 @ 2008-03-06T03:22:00

2008-03-06T11:22:13Z

1. Go to www.photobucket.com (don't sign in)
2. Type in your answer to the question in the "search" box
3. Use only the first page
4. Copy the html and paste for the answer.

What's your first name?

What is your favorite color?

Who is your celebrity crush?

What's your favorite band?

Who is your favorite Disney Princess?

Where is your dream vacation?

What do you want to be when you grow up?

What do you love most in life?

I was born in:

I was raised in:

Blondes or Brunettes:

DEAR INDIANA:

2008-02-15T05:36:28Z

I just realized that I need to fucking move out there like A.S.A.P.; i miss all of you SO MUCH. you have no idea. i was texting cori and remembering the good times... like the dunes when i was the 'whoreible' nun... and we made a joke about our religion sandtology and we had a sand castle with a sand moat and sand alligators, and how instead of saying "amen", we said "WHAT IT IS." ... and the drives after school with reid and ally and cori, when we'd smoke cigarettes and drink arizona tea from cori's house and the greatest line of all time:

Reid: "We're driving 20 mph the whole way there..."

Me: "Where are we going?"

Reid: "No Where."

HAHAHAHAHA. FUCKING BRILLIANT!

I miss you guys so much. And my apartment with Kathy is going to be fucking amazing. I can't wait to live those good times again. you're some of the greatest people i ever met and even just the fact that things with michael are going to be back to normal is just so comforting. things are hard but i know it'll get better... and even if things w/ michael don't work out i'll still be where i want to be.

HEART FELT RIGHT? YOU'RE ALL MY VALENTINES.

Just so you know.

Taking a shower now and then going to Portland : )

I MISS YOU GUYS.

<3 Jenny.

equally damaged

2008-02-12T03:11:14Z

today has been hard. everyone at school was awkward, and crying, and hugging each other. and i'm usually not a 'huggy' person unless someone hugs me. but today was different. i hugged people i've never hugged before. i let people cry on me. i wrote on dustin's huge paper on the wall, and i wrote about how saying goodbye on paper is the worst way to leave things but it was the only way possible at the moment. it's weird.

i've been working really hard all day. i've never been this hard working in my life. graduation is the most important goal in my life right now. its fucking hard work. i have to get in my hours for my senior project, finish up my senior paper... just the fucking stupid works cited, and get 2 credits of science PLUS half of world history and Washington State history. NOT TO MENTION more than 170 hours of PE for my gym credit. It's so much pressure right now.

the thing that pisses me off the most is how my parents seem to keep forgetting that i'm working hard to graduate. i'll mention how we need to order my robes soon and they'll say "are you graduating this year??" like i haven't mentioned anything or stayed after school or gone in early. i don't know why i dropped out last year but now i'm realizing it was the ONLY regret i have in my life time and i'm paying the price. i am working SO damn hard.

and michael doesn't want to pay for plane tickets anymore so there's no way our relationship is going to work for the mean time, and as much as i'd love to get a job and contribute, as i've stated before GRADUATION IS MY FIRST PRIORITY. so i'm pretty much fucked right there. it's not fair.

michael is the perfect guy and obviously my time with him is coming to an end. we're already on a break so whatever. and he must not be that happy with me anymore if he doesn't want to buy plane tickets. i understand they're expensive but at the same time i feel like there's a reason he doesn't want to save up anymore.

i'm miserable, i'm trying to figure out how i feel about the suicide of one of the nicest guys who i knew was amazing yet never took the time to really know, and now i'm stressing with graduation shit.

idk. dustin wanted to go and he's happy now, suicide is selfish but he didn't leave for selfish reasons... he left b/c he was unhappy with life not b/c someone left him or didn't love him back, and now he's happy. at least i think so... although i'm not sure how anyone could be happy watching everyone you knew mourn over your death. there were so many councilors at school today. evans choked up and cried a little bit in english when he was telling us about the death of his father and sister, which i'm assuming happened sometime this week however many years ago, b/c he said valentines is a hard time for him.

i was flipping through my journal (the real one) today from when i first moved to indiana and i was really homesick and lonely, and i wrote about how i used to get to school early when CAP started at 9 and i would walk to the hilltop in the freezing cold, and one sunny morning dustin and devin batman were outside and i smoked and drank my coffee and talked with them. we talked about how my shoes looked like they would freeze my feet. there were several morning talks with dustin, but i just remember that one in general b/c it was so pretty outside and everything was so... idk, happy. we've taken the same classes since i started going to CAP. i remember haney's class with him. it was so fun. i remember winkley's and evan's class. those were the only teachers there haha. CAP has changed so much.

i think it's amazing how we get those promptings to talk to someone and we ignore them. idk, i feel like if i would have just told dustin about what i wrote about him in english on thursday it could've changed things. i feel like there is something i could have done to at least make him feel happy, at least before he died. so i could feel a little more at peace with things.

but anyways, those promptings. i remember the last time i saw my grandpa in sixth grade, i felt like it was the last time i was going to see him. when he wanted to take me on a hike, i remember thinking "this could be the last time i see him, and i'm going to spend time with him." ...and six months later he died very unexpectedly from a heart attack. i didn't think it was going to be the last time i saw dustin but i still thought about how i needed to talk to him the last time i saw him. and the last time i saw him he looked empty and sad. i saw him thursday, everyone else saw him friday and they said he was happy and laughing and smiling.

i don't know. and at school there were so many people who didn't go to class because they were so upset... and they were totally using it for attention... and then i went to english and who were the only people in class with me? his best friends, with tears in their eyes. adam, his best friend, was sitting in dustin's usual seat. and they were still working. i was so proud of them, i can't even begin to explain how much i admire them for still going to class and not using this as a tool for attention.

i've written too much.
i feel sad.
i'm going to go try to sleep now.

i want vicoden really, really bad.

goodbye west coast

2008-02-11T04:30:27Z

dustin pruden committed suicide this weekend.

its weird cause we've both gone to CAP for years, we've taken the same classes for years

its weird to think he won't be sitting in the same seat as usual on monday

it's weird to think i won't be walking with him on graduation

i don't know what to feel right now

i hope your soul is at peace, and i'm sorry you had to go
you were an amazing person
and i should've taken the time to know you better

they say she died easy of a broken heart disease

2008-02-10T10:24:24Z

i love ambien
seriously
i love my milltflajf mifflafn for hangin ai fofr me. i'm s ooasjf

we'll gvie this another go and see how it goes. i'm gonnas atare at the keyboard and just hopeflly i dont fuk this up. TOOO LAST fuck this i'm going to go upst otmse raoom noo

i should wriate more oemototrow so it at alteast makeses sense
bye muah fucker

my one and only drug of choice forever = ambien. god such a freaklaslfjh

never in our lives did we imagine things so obscene

2008-02-07T15:31:21Z

I'm in such a mood to journal. My mind is just overflowing with these thoughts and I can't hold them back anymore. I'm so sick of what the world is becoming. We look back in history and they say there's a reason that we Learn about it, and it's because we're supposed to learn from mistakes. But I don't think we've learned much. If Reagan was one of the most powerful and one of the greatest presidents our country has ever had, and if Romney is compared most to him, why are people choosing Evil vs Good? It just doesn't make sense to me. The world is losing its way, and I have a feeling my future is going to be pretty fucked up. I am scared, and I don't want to be. Granted, I am scared of a lot of things. I don't know.

I don't know what to say anymore.

People underestimate me... I'm not very intimidating, and I'd rather write someone if I have a problem with them rather than telling them verbally, b/c I'm just so timid and shy and quiet... but when something bothers me I don't sit still. I don't pretend it doesn't bother me. I get pissed off.

I am pissed off.

I'm going to go now.

introvert

2008-02-06T05:45:15Z

Listen to that whole freaking song. And turn up the volume really loud.

Things are getting better. I'm fixing things. And I love Cotton Candy Ice cream.

Hung out with Brian and Tasha today. I haven't seen him in bloody foreverrr.

I officially hate being off independent study, my math class is bullshit. I already have enough math credits but I have to take it, cause either I take the WASL or I just pass a really easy algebra 1 math class. I chose the really easy algebra math class.

Also: I ate a whole bunch today, and my mom decides to be cool and bring home a pee nut butt.....er blizzard and fries for me. I felt so bad that I wasn't hungry cause it was so sweet. Ahhhhhhhh. But I'm going to go eat that blizzard and watch the simpsons now.

A TRIBUTE TO KELLY JAMES.

2008-02-04T11:28:40Z

this is from like august 2007

Auto response from babyhuckvale: eating some food, streaking, and then fighting off raccoons.

but really. we're going streaking.

"why do you keep farting, what did i ever do to you??"
---

UrFceSFrknAwesom: Oh I was just changing my Top list on MYSPACE cause I rule
UrFceSFrknAwesom: and I'm watching The Wash
UrFceSFrknAwesom: hahaha
babyhuckvale: What would be... The Wash?
UrFceSFrknAwesom: haha
UrFceSFrknAwesom: some black movie with Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Xzibit, and pretty much every other black rapper/person on the planet
UrFceSFrknAwesom: its pretty funny
babyhuckvale: just like you, pickle
UrFceSFrknAwesom: Hahaha just like me as in funny? or black?
UrFceSFrknAwesom: hahaha
babyhuckvale: both
babyhuckvale: i like my men like i like my coffee... strong and black ;-)
UrFceSFrknAwesom: haha
babyhuckvale: just joshing
UrFceSFrknAwesom: HAHAHA
babyhuckvale: nice one asshole
babyhuckvale: that was precious
UrFceSFrknAwesom: HAHAHAHAA
UrFceSFrknAwesom: I dont know why, but I LOVE the way you just called me an asshole
UrFceSFrknAwesom: :)
babyhuckvale: thank you
babyhuckvale: princie
babyhuckvale: pickle
UrFceSFrknAwesom: princie pickle? haha
babyhuckvale: no, just pickle i decided a second after i sent that
UrFceSFrknAwesom: haha ok
UrFceSFrknAwesom: :-)
babyhuckvale: i'm laughing really hard

THIS IS THE BEST PART

babyhuckvale: i just killed a froot fly with a highlighter
babyhuckvale: i stabbed it
UrFceSFrknAwesom: Hahaha
UrFceSFrknAwesom: Awesome
UrFceSFrknAwesom: with the felt part?
babyhuckvale: i suppose you could say that
babyhuckvale: busted a cap on a froot fly
UrFceSFrknAwesom: You highlighted him to death
babyhuckvale: he was very bright afterward
babyhuckvale: i suppose a firefly
UrFceSFrknAwesom: Hahahaa
UrFceSFrknAwesom: He had a very bright death
babyhuckvale: a ha
babyhuckvale: oh my god my lungs hurt from laughing
babyhuckvale: UrFceSFrknAwesom: Oh wait I got it...
UrFceSFrknAwesom: He had a very Bright future
UrFceSFrknAwesom: eh eh
babyhuckvale: LMAO!!!!
babyhuckvale: in fact i dont know where he is right now but i could turn on the black light and see him shine all dead like
UrFceSFrknAwesom: hahaha
babyhuckvale: all ghostly
UrFceSFrknAwesom: His death was the Highlight of his day?
UrFceSFrknAwesom: eh eh
babyhuckvale: i think we're 4:45 AM delirious
UrFceSFrknAwesom: hahaha
UrFceSFrknAwesom: Yeah but I would probably say that at 4:45 PM
UrFceSFrknAwesom: because.. I'm an idiot
babyhuckvale: we all are
babyhuckvale: that's why we're up this late

babyhuckvale: ITS STILL AS FUNNY AS THE FIRST TIME!
UrFceSFrknAwesom: Hahahahahaha holy shit we're funny
babyhuckvale: I KNOW!

babyhuckvale: UrFceSFrknAwesom: Whos over there?
babyhuckvale: my friend hayley :-)
babyhuckvale: she was just on the ground laughing really hard and crying practically from our conversation
babyhuckvale: the one you and i just had this very moment
UrFceSFrknAwesom: hahahaha
UrFceSFrknAwesom: Awesome
UrFceSFrknAwesom: :-)
UrFceSFrknAwesom: Damnit
UrFceSFrknAwesom: I need to shave
UrFceSFrknAwesom: :(
UrFceSFrknAwesom: I hate shaving
babyhuckvale: why do you have to shaave!
UrFceSFrknAwesom: Because I'm growing hair that I dont want!
babyhuckvale: hahah, okay
babyhuckvale: rrrraaawrr!!1
UrFceSFrknAwesom: ROOARRRR!!!
babyhuckvale: GRROOAaaaRRRR!!!!!111
UrFceSFrknAwesom: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
babyhuckvale: meow
UrFceSFrknAwesom: puah
babyhuckvale: :-*:-*
babyhuckvale: i'm laughing so hard i'm crying
UrFceSFrknAwesom: Are you kidding?
UrFceSFrknAwesom: hahaha
UrFceSFrknAwesom: are you stoned?
babyhuckvale: LMAO NO
babyhuckvale: fuck pot!
UrFceSFrknAwesom: Whatever brah that shit is tyte
UrFceSFrknAwesom: I smoke two joints in the morning, smoke two joints at night
babyhuckvale: AHHHH FUCK POT!!!!!
UrFceSFrknAwesom: HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i'm bad news

2008-02-04T00:53:38Z

i don't understand why my friends don't support me.
generally, i understand if they question something,
but why can't they see things from my point of view?

long distance was slowly killing me. you have NO IDEA how hard it is
to be 2300 miles away from the boy who has my heart and always will,
to want to be held, and need someone to just tell me everything was going to be alright,
to need that one person who you trust more than anything in the world
and not have it. i am lonely.

not only that, but i just need Me time. I'm falling apart emotionally,
my best friend is 3000 miles away, i miss my boy, i'm struggling in school,
my faith is getting the best of me... well, b/c i have none...

and for them to get mad at me...

i just need love and support right now.

i can't handle to lose any more people at this point in my life.

i need you guys.

fists up!

2008-02-02T00:18:27Z

It was perfect you know
with just one little problem
the fact that it turns out
you don't really want it
my love is a fortress,
my love is a Louvre
but it cant ever thrive
if i'm forced to keep proving it.
----

no wonder i was addicted to cigarettes last year
when i felt like this all the time.
i'm falling apart
i feel as miserable as i did last year
i'm back to where i started from

what a waste

butterfly

2008-01-31T08:21:38Z

story of my life.
the blonde redhead song "misery is a butterfly" was like, my song last year. lately, guys have just been so attracted to me. maybe long distance makes me seem more single? especially when i know i could be held, i don't have to be lonely... and the only guy i don't want to be lonely with is michael. its just the past couple months have been guys asking me out... it's like they're always telling me i have the perfect personality, and that i'm gorgeous, and i'm amazing... over and over and over and over.

basically, i'm not stupid... i've been fucked over before, like a thousand times... i've heard this bullshit over and over and over and over and over. i know it's all shit to get me to sleep with you. i know you're just going to hurt me. and i'm sick of hearing it. i love hearing that stuff- i just want it to be true. you don't have to lie and bullshit your way to my heart... just be straight up and say you want to get in my pants. that way i can skip through the shit and get to the point and tell you no.

please don't lie to me;
please, please, please...

Yesterday I went outside
With my mama's mason jar,
Caught a lovely butterfly
When I woke up today
Looked in on my fairy pet
She had withered all away
No more sighing in the breast

I'm sorry for what I did
I did what my body told me to
I didn't mean to do you harm
Everytime I pin down what I think I want it slips away
The goal slips away

Smell you on my hands for days
I can't wash away your scent
If I'm a dog then you're a bitch [pause]
I guess you're as real as me
Maybe I can live with that
Maybe I need fantasy
Life of chasing butterfly

I'm sorry for what I did
I did what my body told me to
I didn't mean to do you harm
Everytime I pin down what I think I want it slips away
The goal slips away

I told you I would return
When the robin makes his nest
But I ain't never coming back
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

almost all my itunes was deleted so this kind of sucked

2008-01-30T21:37:05Z

Open Itunes
Press Shuffle
Press Play

1. What does next year have in store for me? ballad of a paralyzed citizen - the faint

2. What does your love life look like? nothing gets crossed out - bright eyes

3. What do I say when life gets hard? we are free men - bright eyes

4. What song will I dance to at my wedding? crazy one - rivers cuomo

5. What do you want as a career? paradise regained - inked in blood (haha i love you kelly james)

6.Your favorite saying? the good life - weezer :)

7. What do you think of your parents? something vague - bright eyes

8.Where would you go on a first date? lover in the snow - rivers cuomo

9. Drug of choice? pink love - blonde redhead

10. Describe yourself: magic mountain - blonde redhead

11. What is the thing I like doing most? falling out of love at this volume - bright eyes

12. The song that best describes the president? hated because of great qualities - blonde redhead. THATS AMAZING ACTUALLY HAHAHA

13. How will I die? across the universe - fiona apple

14.What is your power song? fists up! - the blow

15. The song will they play at your funeral? goodbye west coast - matt sharp

15 is scary.

h0neybee311 @ 2008-01-27T14:13:00

2008-01-27T22:24:31Z

1. When you want to have "you" time, what do you do?
video games, writing, a really hot shower + a can of dr pepper, or renting a movie off demand. or getting the "big deal" (cheeseburger + 2 tacos + drink) from jack and watching dr. phil... lol.

2. Are you comfortable with answering personal questions?
yeah

3. Have you ever cried and didn't know why?
haha once i entered the world of PMS...

4, When is the last time you were truly happy with your life?
last week

5. Have you ever found someone of your same/ sex sexy?
hell yeah

6. Do you think long distance relationships are ever really worth it.
they kind of go to shit after a while.

7. What did you do at your lowest point in life?
regretful things that i still beat myself up over.

8. What brought you back from that?
moving away from camas to indiana and michael being the sober church boy he is lol

9. Have you ever envisioned your own wedding?
i try not to think about weddings/marriage.

10. When is the last time you personally made someone else cry?
i have no idea, he said he cried a lot over me when i moved to indiana.

11. The last time you were kissed, where were you?
airport

12. Do you eat a healthy diet?
HA!!! oh pishaw.

14. Do you believe exes can really ever be "just friends?"
the 6 month rule.

15. Would you attend each of your exes’ funerals?
i don't know

17. Would you be able to date someone who had a kid with someone else?
not right now

18. When is the last time you were on a vacation?
christmas

19. Do you make your bed every day
kind of

20. Are you too shy to tell people when you're developing feelings for them?
i don't tell them, i just act on it

21. Do you use the Internet or television more?
internet.

22. Have you ever worn black nail polish?
once... but i washed it off after a couple days

23. How much older than you is the oldest person you've kissed?
about a year and a few months

24. What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
sunflower seed

25. Which celebrity have you been compared to most?
haha this sounds weird but britney spears. i don't see it.

26. Do you have romantic feelings for anyone, and if so, do they know?
yes yes

27. What are your plans/goals for your future?
I HAVE NO IDEA AND IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE. I want to live on the west coast my whole life.

28. Do you want to be in a relationship right now?
if i didn't want to be i wouldn't be in it.

29. If you could pack up and leave your life now to move away, would you?
been there done that

30. Have you ever done any acting on stage?
yes

31. Do you like being in pictures?
yes

32. Do you cry easily?
YEEEEEEES.... kill me

33. Have you ever been more attracted to a significant other's sibling than them?
i don't think so

34. What is the last fun, free activity you did?
went to mcdonalds at 6 AM after dee broke into my house completely trashed to kidnap me and played in the playplace with 2 drunks 1 sober + me and we went down the slide in a train. fucking amazing.

35. Do you enjoy romance?
yes.

36. Do you tend to fall for people easily?
lol...

37. Have you spent more last year, in a relationship or single?
PAST THREE YEARS CONSTANTLY IN A RELATIONSHIP. Blleechh

38. What person in your family are you the most like?
my mother

39. Are you quick to start a fight?
no way jose

40. Have you ever put anything other than cheese in your grilled cheese?
no... you leave that sandwich ALONE buster

42. Do your parents really know YOU?
umm... for the most part :)

47. Do you feel like you've got some growing up to do?
yeah, i suppose

the west coast.

2008-01-27T04:39:00Z

Damnit. here it goes again. my flip-flopping thoughts. blahh.

i fucking love it here. i love it. i never want to leave. there's so many great things here. and god, there isn't JACK IN THE BOX IN THE MID WEST. What the FUCK is wrong with them. i'm so lucky to have fucking mt hood AND mount st helens right outside my fucking bedroom window. i'm SO lucky to see mountains and trees for miles and miles. i'm so lucky to have a ... well, green lake out my window, too. and i'm so lucky for the fresh air, the rain, the perfect weather... yeah, the rain sucks ass... but compared to indiana? jesus! it gets cold here but not THAT cold. we never even get snow. what a blessing. fuck.

not to mention the fact that the first thing i did when i got off the plane when i moved home was just swim in this fresh air. i was just taking deep breaths and my lungs felt like they were being cleaned out. i'm not even kidding. it's that huge of a change. and we have the best damn people here. we have so many great shops and everything is close and convienent for the most part. I LOVE THE CITY, and leaving that was SUCH a huge change for me. i'm so lucky to live near portland and close enough to seattle. this is where death cab for cutie, the decemberists, elliott smith... all these great artists... this is where they are FROM. chuck palahnuik references to the castle in Camas in one of his books.

YES. THERE IS A FUCKING CASTLE IN CAMAS. WTF?

god, i just never want to leave.

so this morning at 6:45, Dee sneaks into my mormon house completely trashed off her ass and i don't know how she managed to break in but she did. she comes in my room, turns on my light, pulls me out of bed, drags me to mcdonalds with bob and matt,... i order hash browns, play in the play place with dee while bob and matt played N64 (yes, our mcdonalds is so fucking cool that we have like, 6 N64 stations in the playplace), theeen we, as in bob dee matt and i, all went down the slide in a train, and dee was DEEtermined to get kicked out of mcdonalds b/c she was COMPLETELY drunk... but they didn't... so we left. and went to brewed awakenings at like 7:30 and i shared a strawberry smoothie with bob and dee drew on some magnetic board thing... and then they dropped me off at my house and i slept all day.

what fantastic people. seriously. <3

i'm fucking cool.
so is washington.

gahhhhhhhhhh

!@#$%^&*()

2008-01-23T22:15:23Z

And I've only got this one wish
That I was good enough to make you forget
The only boy who ever broke your heart
Cause nights like these tear me apart

whenever i see your smiling face

2008-01-22T16:05:07Z

i have to smile myself, because i love yooou! yes i do!

Good morning! It's kind of sunny outside today. :) This morning was terrible though... well, not in a "i hate my life" kind of way... but because it was so. freaking. cold. i took a shower before bed as i usually do, and i wore my robe to bed. so i wake up at 5:40 to put on my clothes, and i start out with my leggings... then my pants... then my hat... and then i knew i had to put on my shirt. so i grabbed my bra, counted to three, and then did it. i took off my robe. i made a "KILL MEEE" face and even a little shiver noise, and was all struggly and cold and i think i died a little. but i'm a-okay now. i layered 8-)

i'm really struggling lately... i get really content with moving out but then i freak out. i'm scared to leave my family again, which sounds weird... but being away from them the first time was really hard... and i -hated- admitting that. my whole journal from indiana is basically me being sad about it, feeling regret, wishing i could spend time with them just one more time. and this isn't just 'moving out'... this is moving AWAY. and i'm not sure i'm ready. but i know i need to. i'm just scared. i wish i wasn't. i want to be confident in something like that. i need closure. blaaah.

it's all in my head. it really is. all this stress of my relationship with michael. it's going VERY good, but i still freak out. i'm scared. i know why, but then i don't. there is NOTHING michael is doing to make me freak out, there is NOTHING he is doing to make me scared... it's just how i am. it's really what long distance does to me. and i know i shouldn't worry, because michael is literally the kind of boyfriend every girl wants. he's honest and loyal, and caring, and sweet, and talented, and ambitious, and polite, and has a very good sense of humor... the perfect personality, really. very upbeat and he Loves life. not to mention the pluses, he's a fANTASTIC kisser, gives the most comfortable hugs... ahhh. really i know i have something good, and i know i'm lucky, and blessed. but i'm scared it's going to end, and it's going to be my fault, and i'm going to hurt him. i over think EVERYTHING. and i'm not making big deals out of nothing and complicating things just to stir up drama and get attention- i'm not that kind of person. my anxiety is just kicking my ass and i need to kick it's ass right back.

i gotta go straighten my mane now. yes. my hair somewhat resembles what a lion looks like.

i know i'm alone if i'm with or without you

2008-01-18T01:24:12Z

soo today i woke up at 5:30 as usual... went to seminary... called my mom to pick me up cause i was completely sick... came home... went to the gym with melissa fairy... worked out for two hours... and SHIT. i am so sore. i'm too short for the stupid gym equipment. this one guy was like "you need to lower your seat so your feet touch the floor" and melissa was laughing and told him that the seat needed to be raised so i could reach it.

idk, pretty funny. and even then i could barely move the stupid thing, and it was on the lightest setting. my arms are totally weak. idk if you've noticed but i don't HAVE muscle... i have a stick. yes. my arms are thin little sticks.

anyways. i got home, collapsed in my bed, and then michael called me and we talked for a while. i have the best surprise for him :) and he has no idea. bwa ha ha ha. anyways, he's been at the crossing a lot lately drawing on their 'band' wall for them and apparently they offered him a guaranteed job as a art teacher once he goes to school for it. i'm so proud of him :) yaaay.

alright well i'm going to go collapse again and watch dr. phil or something.

oh, and one more thing-
i just found out i have to make up
11. fucking. credits.

apparently i only have 11 and camas requires 22 to graduate. i have 5 months to make those up. two science classes. 180 hours of PE. 2 english 12. 2 CWI. i have no idea what else i have... but holy shit i am freaking out. i'm extremely determined to graduate this year though. i was supposed to graduate last year. i have never wanted something more than i want this in my entire life. once i graduate in june i'm off to south bend, indiana to live with miss kathy conniff... fuck yeah. be excited for me.

i'm... so... tired....

2008-01-12T11:31:13Z

i'm finally feeling confident in my decision to move out to indiana... on my own. kathy said she'd live with me, and kelsy said she'd come down and stay for a few months just to help me get settled in. i've been stressing out about this so much because i was so afraid that if i moved down there, michael and i would break up. then i would be screwed over, stranded in a city with no friends, and not have my friends back home when i needed them.. but then i realized, i shouldn't move out there FOR michael. i should move out there to start something new... get away from the people here and broaden my life story, as gay as that sounds. and i plan on going to college there, working, and start my life.

i just want to find myself.

the visit to indiana round 3 was great. michael and i had several arguments, i cried a lot, and everything was pretty rocky. but after i left i thought of the plus side of that: we never really fought before. we'd have little arguments but nothing that resulted in me crying. i was having a real hard time and for the past few months i've really been struggling with being happy. i was happier then i'd ever been in my life... idk, just things from my past discouraged me. i know you're supposed to move forward and forget the past, and i have no regrets, but still. the things i did, the things i went through, it still makes me feel like a shitty person.

HOWEVER! everything with michael is going good.
i'm happy for the most part, and i really am moving forward...

i'm so tired right now and i have cramps, and i feel like crawling in a hole and dying

i want girl talk. nowww

you're not wrong-- just better off thinking it was love.

2007-08-08T12:51:57Z

wow. i really haven't written in a long time, and tonight was a night that is well deserving of being in my livejournal.

i had Dee time tonight. she picked me up and we drove out to Mill Plain and stopped at Muchas Gracias, then drove on that road off of 192nd that leads to the freeway, and parked next to some trucks... which were OBVIOUSLY not occupied with truckers. We just sat on a platform that attaches to a truck wrapped in blankets, smoking clove after clove and eating jolly ranchers. might i mention it was raining. it was just nice. we talked about everything and listened to music from her car, which she left running with the windows down. we stayed there until around 4 AM.

finally we decided we were hungry and wanted to see if Chris Duran was working at Burger King so we could score some free food. SOoo we drove out to Washougal and saw Chris, which was nice b/c I fucking LOVE that kid. Gosh he's seriously one of the funniest people ever. He made me two rodeo burgers and since Dee is a vegetarian she had a veggie burger.

Hilarious story:
So she asks Chris,
"What do you have that isn't meat?"
and Chris goes,
"Chi-- *long indefinite pause* ...wait. That's chicken."

and we just laughed SO fucking hard.
OH my word.

such a good night.
i love dee.
i seriously think the world would be a better place if there were more people like dee.

think about this:
she had a theory on sluts. sluts aren't just giving people what they want-- they're also getting what they want. So what's wrong with that?

hmm. thought of the day, right?

alright. it's ten minutes to six and jenny needs her sleep.

she also thinks she needs to use this more.

"goodnight, my little porkchop"

you are my sweetest downfall

2007-06-01T13:50:36Z

i loved you first
beneathe the stars came fallin on our heads
but they're just old light...
----

say it ain't so
your drug is a heart breaker
say it aint so
my love is a life taker
----

yesterday austin and michael picked me up from school. we headed to austin's and helped him clean his garage.. then went to sammy's to go swimming. michael and austin were freezing so they were just hugging eachother and it was so cute. hahaha. soo after swimming we went and played guitar hero... it was an 'epic battle' between austin and michael that lasted 3 hours. but michael won a game of pool at The Brass Eagle from Austin, sooo austin was pissed about that.. lol

now i'm at school busting my ass to study for my U.S. history final that i'll probably fail, and i have two other finals. its kind of nice only have 4 classes at this school... one of which being study hall which is pretty much just sitting on a computer for 90 minutes listening to music and livejournaling.

i have a feeling summer is going to blow goats though.
this is unsettling.

some new pictures...

2007-05-31T17:06:19Z

soo... my tan from prom faded away... hahaha

freakishly pale.

the moon is gone and the sun has took its place.

2007-05-30T15:55:39Z

YESTERDAY WAS DELICIOUS.

I went over to Josh's yesterday after school and Blea came over and brought Mile's gamecube and everyone was so into Super Smash Brothers, it was ridiculous. I stole Michael away and we went outside and laid down on Josh's trampoline b/c my stomach was hurting and we just talked... when we went back inside, all the guys got so consumed with super smash brothers.

then i had the novel idea to go skinny dipping in josh's pool, b/c since the BOYS were so consumed in their game, kelly and i could take advantage of this moment, and it was dark outside so you could barely see anything anyways. and the water wasn't even cold! :D

(i have a fear of cold water, which is why that made me happy.)

i freaking love my cousin. she's my best friend.
<3

and i freaking love michael white. :)
and trampolines.

--
I found a letter from Momma
Tucked in my coat
And as I flew down the runway
I smiled when she wrote:
I'll miss you,
You'll be so far away

But I'll be waiting for the day

When you come home
No matter how far,
Run through the door
And into my arms
It's where you are loved,
It's where you belong,
And I will be here
when you come home.

and we'll make love, make magic. ♥

2007-05-29T15:52:32Z

it's the last week of school. this excites me, and depresses me at the same time. i'm cramming in tons of studying and getting my grades caught up. this is the first time in my highschool career that i've never had one F in all my classes.

last night was so freaking fun.
went to Niles, Michigan to play The Cane Game, created by Coulter Cane. He is so fantastic. What it is is a small amount of people meet up at the church building in Niles, when it's pitch black outside, and you cover the windows with blankets and open up all the doors. One person is it, and they hide the flag and everyone has to sneak around the building and try not to get tagged, and look for the flag. And if you're tagged, someone has to go through your legs to unfreeze you. It was so funny, this guy (who was really hot btw- echem..) was like "Are you frozen?... Okay! Spread your legs!" and I laughed really hard. Oh man, good times.

Micah calls me "Spaghetti" b/c i "make the worlds greatest spaghetti." He's 23 or something, and is obsessed w/ my spaghetti. i made it for dinner one night when he came over, and my spaghetti is honestly the best thing you'll ever eat. it takes ALL DAY to cook. soo, i told micah i was almost legal and he was like "YEES LOTTSSS OF SPAGHETTIII IN TWWOO WEEEKkSS!!!"

Didn't get home til 2:30, woke up at 7 AM, and here I am at school.

Kelly and I are cool again :) I love her and everything's fine. The tension and crap is gone and everything's happy.

no matter what though...
no matter how happy i am here,
no matter what new memories are made and new friendships,...
I will always miss you guys back home.